Pains in the Office: 50 People You Absolutely, Definitely by Andrew Holmes

By Andrew Holmes

You’ve cringed at their brown-nosing, struggled to stick wide awake via conferences with them, spent extra time with them than your loved ones yet most likely in simple terms proportion something in universal: the dream of by no means seeing one another back. Welcome to the realm of Pains within the workplace .

until you’re this kind of one that unearths it demanding to get via a financial institution vacation weekend with no considering it’d be great to meet up with Geoff from revenues, paintings is anything to be refrained from in any respect charges. This publication offers the chance to lighten your trip through indulging in a craze that’s sweeping the state – soreness recognizing. From The Nitpicker to The Ball Breaker , and from The Bowel Mover to the affection Birds , you’ll have the capacity to have hours of enjoyable with the folks sat round you, with no them even understanding. What’s extra, you’ll glance tremendously busy with no truly lifting a finger.

commence ache recognizing this day AND placed the thrill again INTO paintings!

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3. Spray air freshener around their desks when they come back from their fag breaks. 4. Buy a packet of joke cigarettes and watch them explode as the Chimneystack lights up. 5. Ask if their craving for nicotine is stronger than their sex drive. ■ Tick here when you have spotted the Chimneystack 47 RATE THE CHIMNEY STACK’S ANNOYANCE PitO text a/w2 28/9/04 9:19 am Page 48 The Company Bike GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS A lthough I never grew up in a village, friends of mine who did used to talk about the Village Bike.

These people love smoking what look like a tiny pieces of paper that disappear in an instant. The Trendy Tabber. These people won’t actually smoke but will hold their arm out at thirty degrees in an attempt to look cool. . . I do love the dedicated smokers’ room, where Chimneystacks congregate and see if they can fill the confined space with so much smoke that they need a fireman to guide them back out again. They all traipse in looking despised and rejected, but once in it’s a party atmosphere; laughing, joking and enjoying the fact that they don’t have to work quite so hard as their non-smoking colleagues.

If they say "yes", tell them that they must hate them; if they say "no", respond "thank god". At least they won’t be bringing more dictators into the world. 3. Send them a note that says "Those who can, do. Those who can’t, bully". 4. Take out a contract on them. Apparently hiring a contract killer only costs £1,000; well worth the price. The increased productivity alone will more than cover the cost. 5. Scoop up a fresh dog turd, place it in an envelope and send it to their home address. ■ Tick here when you have spotted the Bully 39 RATE THE BULLY’S ANNOYANCE PitO text a/w2 28/9/04 9:19 am Page 40 The Butt Licker GENERAL CHARACTERISTICS T here are many things that attract us to other people in the office.

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